Joke #1
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, startscracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store."Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.The clerk replies "Your house."
Joke #2
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why youare embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrotswhom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them inthe cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrotsto praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop sayingthat...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the womanresponded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest'shouse. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots wereinside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed outin unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?"There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot lookedover at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Joke #3
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".
1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.
Joke #4
Why I Fired My Secretary
I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a bigkiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, andthere sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. SoI got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going tomiss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smileand a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me somecoffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Sinceit's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would makeme feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, andsince it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and havelunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out oftown and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and anice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a goodidea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to herapartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If youwill excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a bigbirthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
Joke #5
Two TouristsTwo tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
