Its complete

If there is one birth, there is one death. this sentence was repeated many times during the funeral. i tried to be strong. tried to hold back. but i just could not. the moment i looked at my grandma's picture, smiling back at me. i just could not take it. Many familliar faces came to honour my grandma, be it church members, family members and close friends. today was the day the funeral procession took place and her coffin was to be buried.

During the service, i spoke about my grandma. i really still cannot accept anything that has happened. Everything just happened in a flash. LIFE IS CRUEL. my grandma is only 70. WHY THERE WAS NOT A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE!? WHY SHE HAD TO GO LIKE THAT. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO SUFFER SO BADLY. I"M NOT GRADUATED YET. ITS TOO FUCKING EARLY. WHY. she still has my cousin to take care of. she still has reunion dinners to go to. she still has to make " tang yuan's" for us to eat. she still has to make " ba zhang" for us. she still has to call up every week and ask if we are going back, she still has to be there during chinese new year, she still has BE THERE at a place where i usually call " ah ma's house".

i tried to speak. my tone was shaky. i thought i could manage. but i really could not. i had to take long pauses. i looked back at my grandma's picture. for all i can remember, she was jolly joyous and always smiling. she had a high pitched voice. she took care of me since i was small. she had really big bulky glasses. she always rewarded us for scoring a's . always told us to study hard. always gave us money for new year clothes. always made sure we have eaten.

then it was time for the procession. the Coffin was sealed, as everyone looked on and cried.

The feeling is freaking weird. i do not know how to describe it. knowing that she's not there anymore. In front of her grave, the weeping started. all i feel is anger hatred sadness agony.
i sweared that i would study hard, be a good musician, try my very best in everything and will never ever ever ever forget her...

So many conflicts happened today. it made me pissed off. i was so fucking pissed that i scolded my fucked up auntie from singapore. i was really pissed. i just cannot forget. my grandpa cried over it. i'm sure my grandma did too wherever she is right now.

why does life have to be so cruel...

i promise you ah ma, i will do as i have promised...